Joemicbo's Xanga

Hoping that I don't look better wearing a frown...

Fri, 23 May 2008 01:55:26 GMT

Did you ever notice that some people wear a frown better than a smile? It’s a strange thing to see a smile where you’ve always seen a frown. It’s like when you come out of a really dark tunnel and see the light for the first time, you’re blinded. When you finally get back your sight and see that the person is back to normal you are somewhat relieved. It’s so horrible that that is how I think sometimes. I get so comfortable with what I am used to that I hate to see anything different. I’m so afraid that this habit of mine, that of hating what is different, will ruin my life, as I know it will eventually do. I want this feeling gone. God I want you to take this from my life. I know that this can’t be something that you want me to have. I know that for a long time I looked at your grace and hated it because it was different and fought against so hard. Lord take this from me. I just want to love you…I believe that you are there, that you took my sins, that you sent your spirit to guide me through this life. I know that you love me and that will never change, the problem is me. God kill me and bring me back to life, and this time, create someone that loves you. I’m desperate for you to help me love you.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 02:24:24 GMT

Hello Xanga,

You prob don't remember me but that's only because we haven't spoken in nearly a year, maybe longer. There is wisdom that can be found in the comfort, "you know he cares because when he's hurting he comes to you." I hope that this will suffice as an apology for my absence. I hope also that it will give you joy to know that I've been happy and without pain for so long. Recently though, I've fallen again on hard times. Times that the solo pianist pound onto their medium and times that give orators double passion. I pray to God today that I can be the pianist rather than the orator. While the orator barriers their times beneath words and action, the pianist humbly request that they would be lifted and taken away as the notes they pound eventually float from a room. God take my times and make something beautiful out of them; but don't let them linger long for I fear the pain. As always, your will be done.

Lovingly,

Billy Fenyes

So....

Wed, 23 May 2007 01:49:27 GMT

So I'm sorry to Elyse. It's true. I really shoud have stopped by and said goodbye to you. I don't really know what more to say about that. It wasn't like a personal "I don't care to see Elyse thing". I just wanted to leave as soon as possible. Sorry again.

Now that I'm home...

I want to be back in Toccoa but I see so much work that has to be done here I just don't even know if I want to go and work in Tampa. So much work to do...

So much work to do...

hmmm....

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 02:24:34 GMT

So... I went out to eat...to a movie....and looked at the sky for about a half hour!

I wish you were there...

Tennis...

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 17:53:07 GMT

So I nearly had a heart attack when I found out that there is a major tennis challege every year... AHHHHH, that is one of the most amazing things I've ever heard. If by now you aren't thinking that I'm a really big loser then just sit back and wait until you hear what else had me really excited. Scrubs is on all day...I'm flipping out, only one thing is missing.

Today!

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 22:54:05 GMT

I don't think I ever really just say what happened in a particular day. This is what happened.

I got up and went to church today. The sermon was on thanksgiving. I came back to the college to get some lunch and right as I was about to leave a saw kristin and she asked if Sarah and I would sit with her. That sounds good to me. Bunch of nothing happened.... blah blah blah... I left for quiz practice. There were two new quizzers there today and it seemed as though they had studied. Sounds good to me! Blah Blah Blah, nothing else really happened. I have a question?

Weight Goal...

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 02:30:09 GMT

I've decided that I should prob start taking care of my body more... heh. So anyway, my goal, which is prob almost to low, is to get down to 190 pounds. For those that don't know I'm a straping 222 pounds right now and while I don't think I'm fat by any means I would like to get down to 190. I would like the energy as if I needed more energy.

Another Day!

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 22:51:11 GMT

So today was just another day. What does that means? Most of you...don't know. So this is what happened. I hit the alarm clock for the sixth time and climbed out of the bed. Yeah, my bed is on a mountain and that is why I have to climb out of it. Now that we have explained that, let's move on. I climbed out of bed and stumbled around until I came to the bathroom. I turned on the light, burned my eyes, and said "uhhhhreeggggg". My normal sound for a morning that followed a night that was too long. I decided that I don't want to tell this story but that I want to tell a story about a.... lamp. So I had this lamp. No, nevermind, I don't want to tell a story about a lamp either.

This is generally bothered me.... I don't have stories to tell anymore. I think maybe it's becuase I've just no secrets in me to code into a story anymore. I've tried and tried and everything that comes out is just crap. I can't make a story mean anything anymore and I'm flipping out. I miss my stories. I don't mean that in a way that an old woman might say it. Like, "I miss ma stories, honey pass me that there clicker and I'll turn on my soups". I mean that I really feel like I've got nothing to give to the world anymore. I was happy when everything thought that there was more to me. I would even play it off like there was more. I'm exposed and there is nothing there. I've considered throwing a rock at the light to make it stop shining on me because I feel so empty when it does. I guess it could be worse. The light could be shining and showing tons of things that are negative. Eh, is that even worse. At least then there would be something there to work on. I don't mean to sound as though I have this huge self-worthish issue and that there is nothing good about me. I know that there are good things about me and I love that God has given me those things. Sometimes it feels like I'm counting up my chips and I'm coming short. I go to cash in and I get 4 bucks back. Goodness, I can by like two packs of gum or maybe if I'm lucky one of those fancy packs of mints. You know the kind, they're have liquid, half solid. In any case, I most certainly don't see myself worthy of anything worth having and don't realize why God would give me something like that.

A wise friend once said to me, "let's skip all the crap and talk about what you're going to bring up anyway, relationships". I do find it funny that a great deal of xanga's a read have something to do with that special guy or girl in that persons life. I have in fact written to the matter myself on more than one occasion and remember almost all of them as though I just wrote them. I am going to talk about it, but only in the context that we've already been discussing. I don't feel worthy of anyone. "I don't want anyone to get stuck with me." is the attitude that I carry around with me a great deal of the time. I am in a particular bind right now. Do I actually post this message. I think I will. (That sentence was added at the end).

Make Believe!

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 04:12:08 GMT

Come let us make believe.

Let us make believe that the skys are clear. Let us make believe that trouble is never around the next bend. Wouldn't that be wonderful. I don't think so! I don't believe that clear skys and no trouble would be the best for anything. I don't ever want things to be perfect becasue we'll never grow. I'd never wish the trouble but I'll always welcome it and consider it an opportunity to grow. We'll walk the garden and water the grass with tears.

Praise the Lord in the strom!

Desire.

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 02:52:33 GMT

Desire. What does it even mean to want? I should sacrifice for everyone that I have in my life but that doesn't mean that I let them have whatever they want. In the same way they shouldn't just let me have anything that I want. In a perfect world does this mean that everyone will get what they want, everyone will want what they can get, everyone will want what they have? I most certainly hope that this doesn't mean that noone gets what they want.